Biggest Dick Of The Year

Matthe Lowe came second in the BDOTY competition, despite not even being called 'Richard'. The winner was Richard 'Dick' Stevenson of Southport who is 6 foot 3 inches tall (from head to toe)

He has also undergone reconstructive surgery for his deflated chest. Update - Doctors confirmed he was in fact of the male gender and so this kind of surgery was not needed. He instead decided to do the surgery himself and now has a lovely pair of melons (literally, he said they looked better than things like oranges and bananas)

Matthew Lowe - Ear Lobe English Record

Matthew Lowe has once again defied all critics and has now won the award of 'Best Ear Lobes'. In secret he has been striving for this award for many months, his daily regime has been a series of stretching techniques involving a small car and a piece of rope. 

His 'lobes' are now up to record breaking standard at a huge 4.36 inches. Matt Lowe said 'It has been small for so long and now I have managed to reach a solid 4 inches. ' Comentators said he was lucky it wasn't cold as cold weather is know to make...ear lobes...slightly smaller.

Matthew Lowe Loves Who?

Matthew has again been the brunt of many peoples jokes since he announced that he is in fact a trisexual, often people misinterpret this to mean 'like' animals but in fact the 3rd 'thing' is nature. Particularly trees, he has often been quoted as saying 'Elm trees are the best, their smooth bark drives me wild'.

More from the life of Matthew Lowe coming soon!

Introduction To Matthew Lowe

Welcome to the real story of Matthew Lowe:

The life and times of Matthew Lowe!

Matthew Lowe is a 17 year old unemployed student from Manchester who live and breathes tennis, from a young age - 3. Matthew Lowe picked up a racquet and burst straight onto the Tennis scene, he had a huge height advantage (being five foot tall). 

He managed to take on many players much older than him and once beat a seventy year old man ten times in a row! He is very proud of this moment but was unfortunately banned for 'relieving' himself on the court, he was only 4 years old at the time but the board said that rules are rules.

 This marked the downfall in the young prodigies' career, this also scuppered plans he had to climb Everest as no sponsor would touch him with a barge pole or any pole for that matter.

Matthew Lowe currently resides in a small village in West Yorkshire called Mahgnidda, this quite village suits Matthew Lowe just fine. His early tennis playing has stunted his growth and he remains at five foot - Matthew has gone from being an abnormally large 3 year old to an abnormally short 17 year old.

 As well as being short for his age he also suffers from "growmaximusfootus" which means that his feet keep growing. Even more unfortunate is that this rare disorder only affects one foot, one of Matthew Lowe's feet is a size 6 and the other a size 23. 

This means that often Matthew Lowe has to resort to wearing a plastic bag on one foot, usually Tesco but he comments 'Waitrose have more expensive food and I can now see where the extra money goes, their plastic bags are wonderful and even have a velvet lining!". To make matters worse, Matthew Lowe has recently been banned from Waitrose after mugging a plastic bag delivery boy.

With all this bad luck you would think that Matthew Lowe would be a little downtrodden, but in fact the opposite is the case. He said "I am moving on with my life, since getting a new contract as the face of a new Deodorant things are looking up". Soon after saying this Matthew Lowe was rushed to hospital, the company which made the deodorant also manufactured estrogen and progesterone tablets and there had been a mix up. This resulted in a huge dose of these female hormones being put into the deodorant and as Matthew Lowe took 376 takes for the advert he was doing, the hormones had a near immediate effect on him.

 He started talking in an effeminate voice and developed a high pitched laugh within the hour, within 24 hours he was complaining that none of this clothes fit him anymore and spent 6 hours looking in the mirror. This was up from the usual 4 hours he spent looking in the mirror before his accident. 

Most of the effects are now not visible after an intensive 'MAN-UP' session in which he had to undergo a series of activities, these included getting drunk and starting a fight with a door, staring at FHM for 12 hours and picking up a live spider!

Matthew Lowe's bad luck has been fairly consistent throughout his life, at the age of ten he married a Ukrainian mail order bride they eventually split up due to 'an age gap'. He remains adamant that him and Belginyog (aged 58) were meant to be together but accepts that these things happen. His father (age 21) and his mother (age 73) say they cannot see why Belginyog felt the need to divorce Matthew Lowe and that age has never been a factor for them.

Another traumatic event was getting lost in Disney Land Slovenia at age 14 and having to eat his own hair to survive, he famously said "I never want to see another hair again!', Matthew Lowe was obviously disturbed and subsequently shaved all the hair off his body.

I hope you have been enlightened by this acticle, Matthew Lowe has expressed his thanks for finally releasing his story into the public eye!